Top movie producer, Fidelis Duker has been married to his wife, Tope, for 15 years. What has kept the marriage going? They open up in this interview with punch.
Was it by chance or design that you work with your husband?
Tope: We met in school at the Nigerian Institute of Journalism. Then, he was already producing movies and directing. In the course of dating him, I took an interest and I started by writing scripts. Gradually, we started working together. It was a natural progression.
Your marriage clocked 15 years recently, how did you celebrate it?
Fidelis: There was no fanfare to it. The family had a nice time together at home reliving the last 15 years and looking forward to the future. The most important thing for us at that point was that God has brought us this far and blessed us with lovely children despite the initial apprehension and pessimism from people when we got married. Considering the number of issues with marriages in my industry, I think we are indeed blessed to have come this far. This is the first lap of our relay; we are looking at three more sets of 15 years together.
Did you exchange gifts?
Fidelis: Interestingly, most of the time, it is my wife who gives the gifts. I have done so too a number of times but I see gifts as not be restricted to specific events. I give her gifts at any point in time. It does not have to be her birthday. She gave me a Rolex watch on our anniversary.
What was the attraction when you met her?
Fidelis: We met in 1995 and got married in 1998.My first attraction was that she is a quiet person. To the outside world, she seems extroverted but she is sublime.
Did she give you a tough time?
Fidelis: Yes and no. But as I always say, I have never wooed a woman. I start by being their friends and the issue of whether I want to date you does not arise at the initial stage. We started as very good friends and that is why we have been able to come this far. Also, when I found out she was gifted in script-writing; it was an opportunity to engage her further.
How did he propose?
Tope: It was not like we were ready to get married because I was just out of school and I had a lot ahead of me. I got pregnant and he came to see my parents with his people. Even if I did not get pregnant when I did, we already knew it was a relationship that was going to blossom into marriage.
You are from Lagos and he is from Cross River. Did your families object to the union?
Tope: There were challenges especially from my family. I am an only child and my father was very protective of me. Not that he was keen on any particular tribe, but wanted me to marry someone from the South-West. Initially, he opposed but with the intervention of his family members and also coupled with the fact that he was not going to give out another child, he gave us his blessings. We had a big society wedding.
How did you cope with the challenges of the early years of marriage?
Fidelis: One of the challenges we had immediately we got married was that the kind of financial expectations I had as regards my profession, became a bit more difficult. It got to a point in our lives that we did not have a roof over our heads. Our first child was barely nine months old and my wife was pregnant again. Prior to when I got married, I had made over N3m. So imagine having that money at that time and four years down the line, you can’t afford N100,000 to get a house. We had to move to the outskirts of Lagos and that was when I knew I had married the woman for me. It was at that period that those who were pessimistic about our union mocked us. Instead of feeling dejected, it was then we resolved the marriage must work. Of course, we weathered through the storm those five years and it was then we had our three children. Thank God, now, we live in our own house on the Island. For me I think it is our commitment and God on our side that has seen us through. Also, I keep saying that for every couple, there must be a ‘fool’. One person must play the fool at every point in time. That way, you are able to keep your family going, keep your relationship going and you must be considerate and loving to the other party.
One thing that also helped us when we had those challenges was that very few people knew we were homeless apart from my mother-in-law and my younger sister. I still had my office and my car. I would get to the office very early in the morning, but in the evening my wife would go to stay with either one of her family members who thought my wife preferred to spend the night at their place because it was closer to the office. I would go to my friend’s place and he always thought it was too late for me to go back home from location.
How is it like working together?
Tope: We are friends and over the years, we have shared one office until recently when I moved to my shop. I am into clothing and accessories. In spite of the fact that we are in the same office, certain things that people expect to trigger a conflict never do. When we are at work, we take away the fact that we are couple and relate like colleagues would do.
Who apologises first when you disagree?
Tope: When he offends me, I try not to take it to heart and I keep quiet. I will tell him he has offended me but I try not to go into the details. But when he gets offended, it is a major thing. Usually when he is angry, I am quiet. I think I am evolving, because in the past, I used to be very quiet and that annoys him. I am the kind of person that when he is angry and fuming, I could just sleep off. At times, he would wake me and ask how I could sleep when he is so angry. If I tell him sorry, he would say I am rubbing it in. When he knows he has offended me, he is always quick to pacify me. I am not good at saying sorry except when I am compelled to.
What would you like to change about each other?
Tope: I am sure he has so much he wants to change about me but at this point, I don’t think I want anything to change because I have now conformed to who he is. I also appreciate his person and the good thing about him is that we discuss everything under the sun.
Fidelis: She has just told you herself that when I am upset, she won’t say a word but thank God, she is changing. Marriage goes beyond having sex and children. It also involves friendship and the ability to manage yourselves. If I come back to this world, I will still get married to her. In the last 15 years, there is no project I have been involved in that she did not play a major role.
How do you spend time together?
Fidelis: Until about two years ago, we used to travel in May during the annual Cannes Film Festival in France. Now we are so busy because our children have grown to a point where they are now teenagers and we need to spend more time with them. Even with that, once in while we go out for either lunch or dinner. We also go to the cinema. That to me is even more quality time than embarking on long trips.
What are your pet names for each other?
Fidelis: We discussed it last week. I call her Tope all the time and she calls me by my name also. It is just recently she started calling me one funny name on her BlackBerry. Initially, I did not know she was referring to me when she wrote Oko omoge, which I find a bit derogatory.
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